This is gonna hurt

Issue #27, Let's Get Lost, October 25, 2024: This is gonna hurt + Chicken stew + Sweet potato gratin + how to fry radicchio + 2 ridiculously delicious salads

Many years ago, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He was riding with a group and the leader made an unexpected stop. Steve was towards the back of the pack and he had to make a snap decision to slam into the motorcycle in front of him or go down. He chose to go down.

In recounting what had happened to his parents, his mother asked, “What was going through your head?” He said, “This is gonna hurt.”

Earlier this week, our oldest daughter found out that one of her childhood friends had overdosed. She had not remained in close contact with this friend but always assumed that they would reconnect. When she told me about it, I said, “Sweetheart, this is going to hurt.”

One of the things I know but seem to constantly forget is this:

Suffering = pain x resistance.

I once saw someone with that tattooed on her arm. That would be a good tattoo for me.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

I’ve been listening to Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes and the entire book is about her saying yes to what scares her. Among many other things, she writes about loosing over a hundred pounds. To do so, she had to come to terms with the truth that it was going to suck. It was going to be hard. Very, very hard. And still, she said yes to it. This is gonna hurt. No resistance.

She also writes about the importance of being ready.

Now, there are many painful things in life that just happen. Things that blindside us and flatten us. Things we could never be ready for and would never be ready for. Things we would never, ever choose and might actually never recover from.

But willingly taking on a difficult, painful, challenging thing, looking it squarely in the eye and saying this is going to hurt and I’m doing it anyway, that’s something different. For that, we have to be ready.

In all cases, chosen or otherwise, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Earlier this month, I took this photo and posted it in notes along with these words…

Our son asked for a stand mixer for his 19th birthday so he could make snickerdoodle cookies, homemade flour tortillas, and these rolls. I don’t know how many times in his too short life he made these rolls, but I know it was a lot.

After loosing him in 2020 our now family of 4 came up with a way of talking about what it’s like to live with loss: It’s like living with a broken arm that will never heal. Some days, we barely feel it. Other days we bump it on something and the pain is fresh and raw and bright. On those days we say to each other, “I’m ok. I just bumped my arm.”

I made these rolls for the hundredth time today.

And I’m ok. I just bumped my arm.

The post resonated with people - thousands of people. I receive new comments on it every single day. Because, you know why? We all understand pain.

We are coming up to the holiday season and I hope each and every one of you have many, many things to celebrate and wonderful people to celebrate them with. I hope the coming months are filled with so many good things.

But, man, the holiday season can also suck. It’s the time when painful things in our lives become more so. Getting through it can be an obstacle course in which the only goal is to NOT bump your arm again deargod, because it still hurts from yesterday and you just need a fucking break.

The holiday season can test our patience, our diplomacy skills, our endurance, and present to us on a silver platter the shocking limits of our own ability to show grace and kindness to our fellow humans, and to ourselves.

For many of you, the pain of the holidays is to be expected. It is unavoidable.

No resistance. This is gonna hurt.

One of the common things people have written in response to my note about those rolls goes something like this: We need better ways to communicate to others about our pain.

This is true. We need ways to communicate our current reality - this hurts - without any expectation that the other person can do anything about it. All they can do is nod their head, give us a hug, and say, I get it.

Sometimes there is a solution to a problem and sometimes trying to fix it is nothing more than masked resistance.

So, that’s my wish for us in the coming months. Actually, my wish is that we have only happiness and no pain. But if there is pain to be had, let’s not add suffering.

(The recipe for those rolls: Homemade dinner rolls)

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• You can read this and every issue by going directly to rebeccablackwell.com

• Scroll through the recipe index where every recipe published in Let’s Get Lost is listed

• Check out my notes, where I share thoughts and ideas throughout the week including things from other people that I find interesting and think you might too

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5 recipes to make this week:

1. Poached salmon salad with honey lime dressing: We’ve had a string of warm, sunny days in North Carolina and for some reason, warm sunny days makes me want to eat bright, fresh salads. If you’re a salmon lover this might be the best thing you eat all week.

2. Turkish meatballs: These little meatballs are packed with flavor and relatively easy to make, depending of course on your definition of easy to make. 🙂

3. General Tso's cauliflower with sriracha rice: Golden, fried cauliflower that's light and extra crispy tossed in 3-step homemade sweet, sour, and spicy General Tso's Sauce. Serve the whole saucy mess over a bowl of Sriracha Rice just because you can. This recipe also happens to be both vegetarian and gluten free, with vegan options.

4. Buttermilk coffee cake: This incredibly soft, tender, and fluffy buttermilk coffee cake is baked up with a swirl of cinnamon and sugar and a chewy, nutty streusel crust. The cake is an irresistible combination of textures - soft cake, chewy streusel, crispy almonds - and perfect for breakfast, brunch, or an afternoon snack.

5. Denver chocolate cake: When I was growing up, this cake showed up at a LOT of our family gatherings. It still does. It’s ridiculously easy to make, with a gorgeous milk chocolate flavor, and the kind of moist, fudgy texture we all want in a chocolate cake.

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Sweet potato gratin

The sweet potato is the state vegetable of North Carolina which, in my book, is just one more reason to love it here. Also, there is this…

Sweet potatoes + the color of those trees = happiness.

In this recipe, sweet potatoes are sliced thin and then layered with béchamel sauce with fontina cheese, then topped with parmesan cheese and crunchy, buttery panko bread crumbs.

With the holidays fast approaching, I feel the need to point out that this is a really great holiday dish, especially for those of you who prefer your sweet potatoes savory rather than sweet. (Me, me! 🙋🏻‍♀️) But don’t wait until then to make it!

This is a delicious side dish for any kind of roasted, baked, broiled, or pan fried poultry or meat. We ate it earlier this week with pan fried chicken with Southern peanut sauce and you can look for that recipe in next week’s issue!

• 2 pounds of sweet potatoes - (about 3 medium sweet potatoes)

• 5 tablespoons butter, divided + more for greasing the inside of the pan

• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

• 2 cups whole milk

• 3-6 garlic cloves, crushed or finely chopped (how many you use depends on how much garlic you like and how large your garlic cloves are)

• 1 1/2 teaspoons dried thyme leaves

• 1/2 - 1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (depending on how much kick you want in your gratin - add even more if you like!)

• Salt and ground black pepper

• 5 ounces (a generous 1 1/2 cups) Fontina cheese, finely grated 

• 3 ounces Parmesan cheese, finely grated (about 3/4 cup)

• 1 cup (50 grams) panko bread crumbs

• Chopped parsley (optional, for garnish)

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F (176 degrees C). Smear the inside of a 9-inch square baking dish with about 1 tablespoon of room temperature butter, enough to coat the inside of the pan with a thin layer.

2. Peel the sweet potatoes then slice them into very thin slices that are roughly 1/8 of an inch thick. This is easiest to do with a mandoline (the kitchen tool, not the musical instrument 😂), but you can also do it with a sharp knife.

3. Add 3 tablespoons of butter to a 3 quart or larger saucepan and set it over medium-low heat. When the butter has melted, add 2 tablespoons of flour. Cook the flour and butter, stirring constantly with a wire whisk, for 1 minute.

4. Slowly pour in 2 cups of milk. Whisk constantly as you pour the milk into the saucepan to prevent lumps. Add the crushed garlic, thyme, red pepper flakes, 2 teaspoons salt, and 1/2 teaspoon black pepper and bring the sauce to a simmer.

5. Cook over medium-low heat, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon or rubber spatula, until the béchamel is thickened slightly and does not taste like raw flour, about 6-8 minutes.

6. Remove the saucepan from the heat, add the grated fontina and stir until the cheese is melted.

7. Layer half the potatoes into the pan, sprinkle the potatoes with a little bit of salt (no more than 1/4 teaspoon), and pour half of the béchamel sauce over them. Layer the rest of the potatoes into the pan, sprinkle with a little bit more salt (no more than 1/4 teaspoon), and pour the rest of the béchamel sauce over them.

8. Sprinkle 3 ounces of shredded Parmesan cheese over the top of the béchamel sauce.

9. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter and stir it into 1 cup panko bread crumbs and 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Stir to coat the bread crumbs in butter then sprinkle them over the potatoes and spread them out into an even layer.

10. Place the pan into the oven and bake, uncovered, for 50-65 minutes, until the potatoes are tender and easily pierced with a fork and the topping is golden brown. (If at any point the bread crumbs are getting too brown before the potatoes are tender, cover the pan with aluminum foil.)

11. Remove the pan from the oven and let it cool for 10 minutes. Garnish with chopped parsley and serve.

The rest of this issue, which includes recipes for Chicken Stew, a tutorial on How To Fry Radicchio and two ways to turn fried radicchio into incredibly delicious salads, is for paid subscribers.