Maintaining friendships when you’re always leaving

Issue #23, Let's Get Lost, September 21, 2024

A quick note before we get to it, the length of this post means it might be truncated in your inbox – just click to expand and read the whole thing or read it directly on rebeccablackwell.com.

If you’d like to restack or ‘like’ this conversation to give it a better chance of being seen, head for the heart or recycle emojis at the top and bottom. Thank you! xo

Over the years, I’ve talked with other full time travelers and one of the things that usually comes up is the challenge of maintaining friendships. To state the obvious, it’s difficult to maintain relationships when you’re hardly ever there.  I miss a lot of their life. And they miss a lot of mine. There’s some sacrifice involved when you’re friends with someone who is constantly leaving.

I recently read this quote from Hanya Yanagihara in A Little Life and it struck a chord with me:

“The only trick of friendship is to find people who are better than you are—not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving—and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad—or good—it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well.”

One of the things I value the most about my closest friends is that they are not only better than me in every way that counts, they accept me for who I am. When I told them Steve and I were moving into an RV they did not react with an attitude of skepticism. They did not try and tell me all the ways in which it might go wrong. They reacted with squeals of excitement and wanted to hear every last detail about our thoughts and ideas and plans.

This is not because they’d support me unconditionally in everything. If I told them my dream was to become a basketball star, they’d have some tough come-to-jesus questions for me. Their enthusiastic reaction was because they know me and accept me, and they already knew that life on the road would suit me. 

Also, not one of them said, “But how can we be friends if you’re never around?” 

In order for people to be able to tell you something true about yourself, as Hanya Yanagihara so beautifully expresses, they first have to know and accept you for who you are. This strikes me as the most important part of being friends with anyone, even one who is always leaving.

So, my question is this: if they know us and accept us, why wouldn’t we also trust them? And yet, as Hanya says, this is sometimes the hardest thing of all. 

I was talking with one of my closest friend about this earlier this week and she pointed out that the relationships that mean the most to us are also the ones that come with the highest stakes. This explains a lot for me. I know from experience that I can be both completely at ease with my closest friends and also struggle to really let them see me because it’s within these relationships that I have the most to loose.

Years ago, I was talking with my grandpa and he said: “When you were a toddler the thing you used to say the most was, Leave alone. I do it myself.”

“Grandpa”, I said, “Nothing has changed.”

I am a do it myself kind of person. Sometimes this works out in my favor and sometimes it doesn’t. For example, I wait way too long to reach out to my friends for help. This is not only a disservice to myself, it’s a disservice to them. The tendency to figure it out and then tell them about it later does not allow for the kind of reflective learning that good friends can provide.

So, I’m going to work on that. What more can I do? And I’ll trust that my friends will be generous and forgiving with how badly I am likely to be at it. But they’ll trust me to try and I’ll trust them to help me. 

So how do you maintain friendships when you are constantly leaving? The same way you maintain a friendship with anyone - find friends who are better than you and learn how to trust them.

---

Come on in, friends

I was honored to be featured in the popular Other People’s Kitchen column on FoodStack earlier this week where I gave everyone a tour of my 4X7 food kitchen and talked about what it’s like to write recipes and take food photographs from inside an RV.

Here’s where to read it: Other Peoples' Kitchens. Q&A with Rebecca Blackwell

Quick links:

• You can read this and every issue by going directly to rebeccablackwell.com

• Scroll through the recipe index where every recipe published in Let’s Get Lost is listed

• Check out my notes, where I share thoughts and ideas throughout the week including things from other people that I find interesting and think you might too

• If you’re new here and you want to read more about me, check out the About page

---

The week in photos

#1 & 2: A few weeks ago, I wrote about loosing a tire while hauling the trailer though Milwaukee. We got it repaired and back on the road only to have the SAME THING happen a week later. The second time was a bigger problem and we were waylaid in Rolla, Missouri for a few days. In addition, we continued to have problems with our bedroom slide out and I just had to include this photo of Steve climbing in through the window, because it was literally the only way in. 😂

Missouri, you have tested our resolve. But also, there has been….

#3 & 4: kayaking and sunsets…

#5 & 6: and friends. Adriane and I were the best of friends in elementary and middle school, then she moved away and we lost touch for over 30 years. Two years ago we reconnected and all I can say is that my younger self knew what she was doing when she chose Adriane for a friend. I got to visit her at her home a couple of weeks ago and she produced this photo that we took in one of those old-timey photo shops when I think we were 12. ❤️

#7, 8 & 9: We are currently at a campground on Table Rock Lake in Missouri and we made it here without loosing any tires or having to crawl in any windows. 👏🎉 Also, we are next to water which is always my favorite thing.

Earlier this year, I wrote about finding the right flavor of shit and I had a few moments this month of re-evaluating our current flavor. But it’s still the right one.

The incredible places we get to see because we live this way are well worth the challenges. These homemade margaritas (which is what’s in that blue glass in the second to the last photo) also helped. 😉

---

5 delicious recipes to try this week from other Substack food writers

There are so many wonderful food writers and recipe developers here on Substack and you’ll find many of them in the FoodStack library. Here are a handful of delicious recipes I’ve recently discovered there, and I think you’ll like them too.

1. Dolores’s barbecue brisket by

   Stephanie Hansen
   of Stephanie’s Dish newsletter. If you like to grill and love BBQ, add this barbecue brisket recipe to your plans for next weekend and invite some friends over who will fall over themselves showering you with praise for such a delicious meal. And don’t even think about swapping out that homemade BBQ sauce for some bottled version. Stephanie’s sauce is the perfect vinegary compliment to the smoked meat. You won’t regret it.

2. Pistachio Lemon Spaghetti by

   Lolly Martyn
   of Weeknight Pasta from Italy. I’ve been on a pistachio kick lately, mostly adding them to desserts (like these chocolate chip pistachio cookies). But this recipe for lemony pasta drenched in pistachios caught my attention and, friends, it’s so delicious. I made it with homemade spaghetti noodles, but if pasta making isn’t your thing, pick up a box of your favorite dried brand.

3. Braised French Pot Roast by

   Wini Moranville
   of On Food And France. Direct quote from the recipe because I can not describe this pot roast any better: “This is a perfect melding of cultures — a French pot-au-feu (pot on the fire—a braised pot roast, more or less) crossed with a great American pot roast. What makes it French? The seasonings (wine, herbes de provence). What makes it American? The sauce, which is more hearty and robust than your usual French sauce.”

4. Greek Orzo Salad by Laura Schneider of the

   Friendly Vegan Kitchen
   . If you’ve been around here for a while you know that I love to pack mason jars of this couscous salad for Steve and I on travel days. THIS greek orzo salad is giving us some delicious variety from the same-old-same-old. It’s easy to make, easy to pack, and really just SO good. Also, very important, it makes you feel as good as it tastes.

5. Best Brownies Ever by

   Betty Williams
   of Betty Eatz. Best brownies ever???? SOLD. If your week needs chocolate (haha! Of course it does.), these are rich and creamy and everything you want in a brownie.

---

Toasted ravioli with homemade marinara

If I had to name one kind of food that Missouri is famous for it’s their BBQ. While I love eating delicious food in various parts of the country and figuring out how to make it at home, there are plenty of examples of where I know to leave it to the experts. BBQ is one of those things.

There’s nothing better than really good BBQ made by someone who has put in their 10,000 hours and knows what they’re doing.

One of the other things Missouri is known for (particularly in St. Louis) is toasted ravioli and that is absolutely something that can be easily made at home. And what a treat it is.

Contrary to the name, toasted ravioli is fried, not toasted. Making it is simply a matter of coating ravioli with bread crumbs and frying them.

But, as with many pasta dishes, the magic of this dish is in the sauce. I mean, we are talking fried cheese filled pasta, so there’s no way that’s going to be bad. But top it with a really good marinara and it becomes something special.

If you are a homemade pasta kind of person and have the time, you might want to make the ravioli from scratch simply because it’s a lovely way to spend an afternoon. But, honestly, frozen cheese filled ravioli is just as good in here and even though I am a homemade pasta kind of person, that’s what I used.

Plan ahead: Everything about this dish is simple and easy but there are a couple of things to plan enough time for:

1. The marinara sauce needs an hour or two to simmer.

2. If using frozen ravioli, allow 20 minutes to thaw after they are breaded.

Makes 4-6 main dish servings.

Ingredients:

• Homemade marinara sauce

• 2 large eggs

• ¼ cup milk

• 1 1/2 cups Italian bread crumbs

• 3/4 teaspoon salt

• 1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese + more for sprinkling

• 1 (20- to 25-ounce) package frozen or refrigerated ravioli

• vegetable oil, for frying

1. Line a baking sheet with paper towels. If using refrigerated ravioli, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. If using frozen ravioli, preheat the oven after breading the ravioli to give them time to thaw.

2. Add 2 eggs and 1/4 cup of milk to a small bowl and whisk to combine.

3. Add 1 1/2 cups bread crumbs, 3/4 teaspoon of salt, and 1/3 of a cup of shredded or grated parmesan cheese to a separate bowl OR zip-top bag and stir to combine (or zip the bag and give it a shake).

4. Dip the pieces of ravioli into the egg mixture. Then dip the ravioli in the breadcrumb mixture OR add them to the bag one at a time and shake them around a bit. Lay them on the paper towel lined baking sheet.

5. If using frozen ravioli, let them rest on the baking sheet at room temperature for about 20-30 minutes to give them time to thaw. They don’t need to be completely thawed, but if you press down on the center of one, it shouldn’t feel rock hard. If using refrigerated ravioli there’s no need to wait to fry them.

6. Fill a large saucepan, dutch oven, or skillet with enough oil to come about 2-inches up the sides. Set the pan over high heat and bring the oil to 350°F. (A high heat thermometer is super helpful here.)

7. Add a few ravioli to the hot oil (I don’t like to add more than 6 at one time) and fry them for 2-4 minutes total, flipping them over with tongs halfway through. Remove the ravioli from the oil when they are golden brown and place them back on the the paper towel lined baking sheet.

8. Repeat with the remaining ravioli. When all the ravioli have been added, sprinkle them with a bit of additional parmesan cheese (how much is up to you) and pop the baking sheet in the oven for a couple of minutes to melt the cheese and ensure that all the ravioli are hot.

9. Serve with marinara that’s been heated in a saucepan on the stovetop and additional grated parmesan if desired. Spoon the sauce over the ravioli or serve it alongside the ravioli as a dipping sauce.

---

St. Louis gooey butter cake

The first time I ever heard of this cake was not while we were in Saint Louis - it was years ago after reading a Stephanie Meyer book. You can read the whole story here, but in the book one of the main characters bakes a bananas foster butter cake. I had never heard of such a dessert but it sounded fantastic. After scouring the internet and discovering that no such cake exists except in Stephanie Meyer’s mind, I decided to create one.

And that’s when I discovered the infamous gooey butter cake which I used as a delicious jumping off point for this recipe for bananas foster butter cake.

Rumor has it that St. Louis gooey butter cake was the happy accident of a baker in the 1930s who messed up the proportion of butter in a coffee cake. Rather than throw it out, he sold it by the square, and (no surprise here) people loved it.

I have head that in Missouri it’s not uncommon to find gooey butter cake on the Thanksgiving dessert table. I have also heard that it’s a popular breakfast treat and if you know my penchant for eating dessert for breakfast, you KNOW I’m on board with that.

The cake consists of two layers - a lightly sweetened yeast risen cake bottom and a gooey, buttery topping that is as decadent as it is delicious.

This recipe makes a cake that’s a bit thicker than traditional St. Louis butter cake because it can be super easy to over bake the bottom layer when it’s thin. Even with a thicker base, the timing is the trickiest part of making this cake. The most important advice I can give you is to keep an eye on it.

Remove it from the oven when the outside edges look set and are turning golden brown. The center will still be jiggly - so much so that it will slosh around a bit if you shake the pan. But if the outside edges are set and golden, the cake is done. The gooey center will set as the cake cools.

This cake is often made in a 9x13-inch pan but for this recipe I wanted to make a smaller cake, so I opted for a 9-inch square pan. If you want to make a larger cake, simply double the ingredients.

Ingredients for the cake:

• 1/4 cup whole milk

• 1 1/2 teaspoon active dry yeast

• 5 tablespoons unsalted butter at room temperature, plus more for greasing the pan

• 2 tablespoons granulated sugar

• 1/2 teaspoon salt kosher salt (or 1/4 teaspoon table salt)

• 1 large egg

• 1 1/3 cup all-purpose flour 

Ingredients for the topping: 

• 12 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature 

• 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar 

• 3/4 teaspoon kosher salt (or 1/2 teaspoon table salt)

• 1/4 cup light corn syrup

• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

• 1 large egg plus 1 large egg yolk

• 1/4 cup whole milk at room temperature

• 1 cup cake flour (Or, measure 1 cup of all-purpose flour and remove 2 tablespoons. Add 2 tablespoons of cornstarch and stir to mix)

• Powdered sugar for dusting (optional - it looks pretty, but really doesn’t need it)

How to make it:

1. Line the bottom of a 9-inch square baking dish with a piece of parchment paper. Melt a tablespoon of butter and smear it around inside the pan, coating the bottom and the sides.

2. Add 1/4 cup of milk to a heat proof bowl and heat it for 10 seconds in the microwave until it feels lukewarm to the touch. Sprinkle 1 1/2 teaspoons yeast over the milk and stir. Set it aside.

3. Using an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat 5 tablespoons room temperature unsalted butter, 2 tablespoons granulated sugar, and 3/4 teaspoon salt on medium speed until the mixture is lightened in color and appears aerated. This will take 3-4 minutes. Stop once or twice to scrape down the sides of the bowl.

4. Add the egg and beat until completely incorporated, about 1 minute. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.

5. Measure 1 1/3 cups of all-purpose flour and add about half to the mixing bowl. Beat on low speed just until incorporated. Add the yeast and milk mixture and beat on low just until incorporated. Add the rest of the flour and, once more, beat on low speed until incorporated. Scrape down the side os the bowl then continue to beat on medium-low speed for 5 minutes, until the dough is smooth and slightly elastic.

6. Press and stretch the dough into the bottom of the pan. It will create a thin layer. Cover the pan with plastic wrap and allow the dough to rise at room temperature for 2 hours at which point it will be doubled in size. If, after 2 hours, it hasn’t risen much it might be because your kitchen is on the cool side. You can turn on your oven very briefly - no longer than a minute - to create a warm environment and place the pan in there. Or, just give it another hour or two.

Make the Gooey Topping

1. Shortly before the dough is done rising, heat the oven to 350 degrees.

2. Combine 12 tablespoons of unsalted room temperature butter, 1 1/2 cups of sugar, 3/4 teaspoon salt and 1/4 cup light corn syrup in the bowl of a mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Beat on medium speed until its lightened in color and appears aerated, about 3 minutes.

3. Scrape down the sides of the bowl; add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract and the whole egg and beat until incorporated, about 1 minute. Add the egg yolk and beat for another minute, until completely incorporated. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.

4. Add 1/4 cup milk and 1 cup cake flour and mix on low speed just until blended. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and use the spatula to give the batter a final stir.

5. Spread the topping over the yeast cake layer, spreading it out in an even layer to the edges of the pan.

6. Bake the cake for 40-50 minutes, until the edges of the topping appear set and are turning golden brown. The center will still be quite jiggly, but it will firm up as it cools.

7. Set the pan on a baking rack and let it cool completely. If desired, sprinkle with a bit of powdered sugar then slice and serve.

---

Join the discussion…

Every Saturday, I post a riveting new question on the Open Kitchen discussion thread over on FoodStack and I am having a blast with it so far! Here’s what we’re talking about….

• If you were restricted to one dessert for the rest of your life, what would it be?

• What was your favorite thing to eat as a child?

Hop on over there and chime in. It’ll be the most important question you answer all week. Ok. Not really. But we really are having so much fun over there. 😁

---

Thanks for reading! Paid subscribers receive three issues a month plus additional bonus content and have access to the full recipe archives. So if you are enjoying this newsletter, please consider upgrading your subscription for $5 a month or $50 a year.

If you make something from this issue, have any questions or anything you’d like to share, add a comment below. I ❤️ to hear from you.

Enjoying this newsletter? Please tell your friends!