30! Years!

Issue #24, Let's Get Lost, September 28, 2024

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On October 7th, Steve and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage.

30! Years!

When we met, I couldn’t imagine being 30 years old let alone being married for that long.

Steve and I met in high school. He was a junior and I was a senior. I was dating someone else at the time, so we became good friends. Then I broke up with my boyfriend because I wanted to be more than friends and that was that.

Here are some crazy facts about those early days:

• Steve proposed 3 months after we started dating. He was 16 years old (I was 17) and a JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. The absurdity of this is not lost on us.

• We got married in October of 1994 at the tender ages of 18 and 19. We swiped all the envelopes on the gift table at the reception because we suspected some would contain cash and we had none. When I say none, I mean none. Then we drove up to a condo in the Colorado mountains in a car with grinding breaks, happy that we had enough cash to feed ourselves for the week and not a thought in our young heads about what came after that.

• We had our son a year and a half later, a daughter 22 months after that, and another daughter 3 1/2 years after that. By the time we were 25 and 26 we had been married for 7 years and had three children.

Those early years were tough. And also beautiful. We grew up together and we really did have so much fun. But also, holyshit, growing up is hard.

I feel that if you’ve managed to do anything for three decades, you should have some sage advice to offer anyone else who endeavors to do the same thing. So here we go…

What makes a marriage work? I have no fucking idea.

I mean, sure, things like love, commitment, respect, and trust are a given. If you don’t have the essentials, the relationship probably won’t (and probably shouldn’t) last.

But, let’s assume for a moment that the basic ingredients are there and then wonder at the fact that there are SO MANY other variables at play, most of which are completely out of our control.

In the course of 30 years, Steve and I have…

• Quit jobs, gotten fired, been arrested (bet that made you raise your eyebrows), survived a fire, had a car stolen and about a THOUSAND other car related problems, went to college, started careers, started businesses, created and raised three humans, survived for several years as a family of 5 on no more than 2K a month, bought a house, changed jobs, started new businesses, made SO MANY mistakes, enjoyed SO MANY successes, changed our minds, discovered our values, took many chances, devoted a disproportionate amount of our family budget to travel, survived teaching 3 teenagers how to drive, and managed to reconcile after more arguments than I could possibly count.

• We changed our minds about significant, foundational, world-view-shaping things like religion and politics and somehow managed to land on the same side of almost everything.

• Steve bought a motorcycle and survived two crashes (one with me on the back). We then thought it would be cool to ride through every state in the US, so we did, including an epic 28 day ride from Colorado to Alaska. (We rented a motorcycle in Hawaii.)

• We lost our son to suicide.

• We sold our home and moved into an RV.

• We are learning how to be empty nesters and also how to be a family of four.

Forget in sickness and in health… marriage vows should maybe include some mention of the fact that if you’re together long enough your life is probably going to change in every single way it can and especially in all the ways you do not see coming.

And that brings me to the one story that somewhat explains why after 30 years we are not only still married but happily so.

Around the time I turned 30 I had a not-so-insignificant existential crisis. It was like I suddenly realized that I was a married woman with three kids but had never actually contemplated whether or not I WANTED to be a married woman with three kids.

How to explain this more clearly…?

I felt like marriage and children had just happened to me. I couldn’t remember a time where I had thought, “Do I want to be married? Do I want to be a mother?”

I felt trapped inside a life I didn’t remember choosing.

Steve responded with the suggestion that we rent an apartment just for me. It could be my own space and I could go there any time I wanted.

I thought he was crazy. I said, “We can’t do that.”

He said, “This is our marriage. It can be whatever we want it to be.”

We never rented the apartment. I didn’t need to. I just needed to know that I had a choice. And that is the only wisdom I have to offer - how long a relationship lasts is not as important as whether or not the people in it choose to be there.

Successful relationships can last for 6 months or 60 years. The length of time isn’t as important as knowing that you’re there because you still want this person and this life.

30 years baby, and I still choose you. This life has not turned out in any way I could have predicted, but it’s the one I want. No question.

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Six recipes to make this week

For some reason, I’m more eager than normal for cool weather and warm food. This, mind you, will not stop me complaining when the weather turns actually cold and lamenting about how much I long for summer. But we’ll leave that for then. Today, I want warm bowls of soup and all things apple and cinnamon.

1. These apple cinnamon muffins are packed with chunks of fresh apples, contain a gooey apple butter center, and are topped with a generous amount of crunchy, buttery brown sugar streusel.

2. This recipe for beef and barley soup is rich and meaty enough to be called a stew, but ready to eat in just over an hour. Tender sirloin and crispy bacon swim in a garlic red wine broth with chewy pearls of barley, sweet carrots, and earthy roasted mushrooms. I almost always have a bag of frozen buttermilk biscuits in my freezer which are the perfect thing to eat with this soup.

3. This creamy chicken noodle soup is one of those recipes that I'm happy to eat all year round, but it feels especially comforting on evenings when the sun sets early and the air is crisp and cool. It reheats really well, so I like to make enough for at least a lunch or two or to eat again for dinner later in the week.

4. The recipe for this black eyed pea and veggie stew is adapted from The Blue Zones Kitchen Cookbook. I published the recipe in Issue #7 of this newsletter after a trip to Costa Rica and the recipe comes with a fascinating story of how the author got a small town in Minnesota to eat more veggies. Who doesn’t want to eat more veggies when they taste this good?

5. These soft apple oatmeal cookies from Issue #22 are flavored with both applesauce and chunks of apples, iced with maple miso frosting, and positively oozing with fall flavors.

6. I know some of you have already made this, but if you’re new here, this French apple cake is something I hope you’ll try. Like a traditional French apple cake, this cake is packed with more apples than you think the batter will hold. Unlike a traditional French Apple Cake, I added thick, buttery crumb topping reminiscent of the very best New York Crumb Cake. It is one of my favorite cakes of all time and the perfect way to settle into the season.

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The rest of this issue, including new recipes for chocolate chip pistachio shortbread, mushroom quiche, root vegetable salad with wild rice, and a guide for roasting celery root is for supporting members. Get access to the stories, recipes, ideas, and recommendations in this and every issue by becoming a paid subscriber. Thank you! ❤️